You’re right there, but I can’t touch you. I see your face, and I hear your words, but you are not in my room, or my home, or even pulling one of my suitcases for me. You speak slowly, not because you don’t know what to say, but because a screen is slow to translate. I guess I should be dating my iPhone. FaceTime and I have had quite a relationship. You receive my messages, and the I Love You’s. Eventually. I know I told you when it’s 2a your time, but in my time, I finally have time. Thankfully my date- my iPhone is never late, and rarely miscalculates days, dates, or timezones. He sounds perfect right? He almost would be, but he’s like the men that think that they are perfect, and that one misconstrued belief becomes their downfall. He, my phone, thinks that he is the solution to the distance between us, but all he does is remind you and me of how helpless each of us is to change our realities. The distance will not disappear. Our schedules will not become controllable. Our hearts will never find this easy.
I want to breakup- with him. Not you. I never wanted three in this relationship, or maybe it’s four. Because you, me, technology, and timezones are one big unhappy family. I’m not ready for my own family. Right now, I simply would be happy holding your hand and going for a walk. And maybe an address in California would be nice. That’s not too much to ask right? Well, maybe between my flight attendant life, and your pilot life, possibly. I never wanted to be a demanding girlfriend, but I can’t date this way. I know you can’t either. I suppose it’s a good thing, in a pathetic sort of way, that our only fights, if you could even call them that, are because we both feel our dreamlike relationship attacked by the facts that we are so powerless to change.
FaceTime tends to think all is made right, but what the iPhone fails to understand is that he is not making any distance disappear. He’s just made a relationship exist for longer than it could have. It makes us both frustrated that holding our phones is the closest we will get right now to holding each other. And this wi-fi? Well, it’s worse when I am four hours away, instead of oceans away. For the fifth time I see ‘Disconnected‘, and “God Damn it, iPhone! Tell me something I don’t know.” I know how disconnected, and hopeless, and pointless this all feels. How I feel. And now I am yelling. This has turned into a fight. Yelling, and throwing across the room the device that is keeping you close and at arms length. Begging it to please stop ruining us. I am not so good at communication, and technology has this wonderful way of making communication harder, but then again easier. When you say you can’t hear me for the third time, speaking louder will not fix that. Saying more will not explain better. My heart is as broken as this cell reception. Distance you are an asshole, and iPhone you an instigator. I will send you a sarcastic thank you for mediating this mess.
I feel defeated. Sad. And of course, alone.
Yes!!! Although I have been there romantically…I still feel this way about my family. Well put Kara, well put. xH
When my girlfriend and I entered in to a relationship, we knew what we were getting ourselves in to. She is a flight attendant as well(for Asiana). My significant other will be gone for 15 days or up to 35 days at a time and will only be home for 8-9 days. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to travel to Seoul and have visited her just last week but our time apart still outweighs our time together.
While technology connects us both, the feeling of missing her never seems to pass. I send her messages all the time and she responds as soon as she wakes up, or when she finds public wi-fi access and when she arrives her hotel room. We manage the time zones and If there’s a strong enough internet connection we do Skype. Being apart from each other is never easy, tears are always shed when we need to part ways again and when the “I miss you so much, it hurts” feeling becomes too overbearing. But through it all our relationship continues to flourish, we both continue to countdown the days until we’re together. I guess I’m just rambling now, perhaps posting this comment is merely a way to deal effectively with something so difficult.
Leland- this gave me chills. Thank you so much for writing. Your comment helped me, and touched my heart. That it’s not just me and my frustrations, or that I have failed. That it is just a hard situation to be in. I wish you and your love strength, and courage. All the best to you.
Kara…
Maybe I can get an advise from someone on this page. I have been dreaming about becoming a flight attendant since I was little. Life had given me other options and I never really tried to start over, but i do now. I think i’d be much happier if I pursue my dream after all…..I hope it is not too late to start over, I am almost 28…Problem is, even though I hate to call it a problem, I am married and I love my husband, he seems to dislike this idea, and I can’t move anywhere from Phoenix due to this. I assume it would be really hard to find a position with out giving an airline an option to relocate me…..I just hope, I hope for a miracle…I fell like if I don’t go for it, I will regret it , regret that I never followed my dream, never followed the skies. Is it worth at least trying , and comfort myself that I tried and maybe I’ll get lucky one day. I am willing to quit my job in dentistry just to fulfill my long time dream…..
“’God Damn it, iPhone! Tell me something I don’t know.’ I know how disconnected, and hopeless, and pointless this all feels.”
I loved and hated this post so much. It’s so real and very well articulated. It’s real and raw and so very true. I’m not in this profession (yet) but I’ve tried the long distance thing… and it can be hell. This was very beautifully and heart wrenchingly written. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this truthful moment with us.
-Tabatha