“How many times do I have to go through the same thing to actually learn?” I think to myself. I’m frustrated. Not so much with my job, life situation, singleness, or lack of stability and security, but I’m annoyed by my mindset. When will I trust? How many times does God have to prove to me that I am completely taken care of; that trusting in people or jobs or paychecks is only superficial security. When will I learn the secret to “being content in all situations; whether in sickness or in health, poverty or riches?” When will I fucking learn?
For the first time in three years, I am not booked out for contract corporate flight attendant trips. I knew the stability and good paycheck that I was earning the last six months would end, but not as soon as it did. I didn’t expect that I would feel so scared. I expected that going back to full contracting would be a bit easier, but I’m thrown off by the hustle. This feels like starting over and my response to that is more entitlement and self-pity than gratitude, peace and trust. O.M.G. WHEN WILL I LEARN?????
I don’t want to do this hustle, and I don’t want to be here…because I don’t want it to be hard. Ummmm…not reality, Darling. Being a corporate flight attendant is always going to be an investment. I don’t want to fight for Flight Attendant Life anymore, not because I don’t like it but because I don’t want it to take over my life. Not in the way that I did. I feel anxiety over not having trips as much as I do over getting trips. It’s like, “Wait. I’m not done enjoying life.” I hate asking myself, “If money didn’t matter…what would I do?” Because my answer is picky and specific— I don’t feel like you can be those things as a contract corporate flight attendant. I tell myself that if money didn’t matter, I wouldn’t feel as scared. The thing is, that’s so false it’s comical. I would find something else to be scared about. We can always find something else. (Yes. Yes. It’s a little nuts living as me right now).
“If you could have it anyway that you wanted, as far as a corporate flight attendant account, what would that look like?” he asks in the curious, contemplative and sincere way that I have begun to appreciate so much. But it’s not like that I think to myself. My doubts are forgetting every miracle of the last three years and beyond that. I’m just scared right now. Scared of my current season because this is a season of trust and faith, and if I ever needed to learn something, it is that. It is so that.
I think about what hasn’t gone my way and stifle the feelings of envy that beg to surface. ‘If that job was meant for me, it would have been mine,” I pep talk myself into sanity. “If he really loved me, he would date me and not her.” My reasonable side then reminds me that I want someone who wants me. My reasonable side tells me that there are more jobs to control my schedule and pay my bills than that one. My reasonable side reminds me of that thing called gratitude.
I’m talking about all of this because I want you to know that I am so human right now. Life gets me, too. This is a season testing the weakest parts of my character. Community over competition is a beautiful idea when it’s not directly staring you in the face and when you are winning. It’s the real deal when you have to swallow your pride and remind yourself to, “Share the wealth,” and “You aren’t that fucking special after all.” How will I respond when your successes feel directly related to my failures? Shit just got real. Who will I be then? Genuinely happy for you? Or only happy when it’s ‘me first?’ I shake my head because I don’t want to be an ingenuine wench. I want to be the woman who supports you, when you rise and when I may fall. Because I want you to be that woman, too. Not saying it’s easy— but it’s gotta be worth it. Lemme tell you— I am getting my dose of humble pie, and it’s the best serving. It’s my time to be a more healthy human on all fronts. Genuine, gracious, grateful.
In life, we get what we do not deserve— both good and bad. Life doesn’t play favorites. Sometimes shitty things happen and sometimes good things happen. Sometimes good things are birthed from the shit. It doesn’t mean pain hurts less or we stop missing people we’ve lost or career disappointments don’t bother. But it means, that we can’t expect to rise without every falling. We become stronger and more grateful in the contrasts life offers. We know what it feels like to both win and lose. That builds a poise, presence and sense of compassion that the world needs in you.
I oscillate from self pity to what has gone my way. So much. More than I can write here. People have loved me when they shouldn’t, forgiven me when I’ve fucked up, and believed in me when I wasn’t so sure about myself. I’ve received what I haven’t deserved and better than I could have asked for. I do believe in the promise found in Hebrews 6:13 where God says, “I will bless you with everything I have— bless and bless and bless.” I mostly respond to this with, “Cool. Thanks, God. SO. WHAT. THE. FUCK. ARE. YOU. DOING. THEN?” If you thought I was a saint, good person, or angel baby, I am proving you wrong. I’m just a girl who is scared and terrified of where to go and what to do next. I’m scared and uncertain and I don’t have it together. Ok. So let’s start there, then.
Since I don’t really know what to do, I do what I know. I talk to Melissa and Griffin and Sara. They remind me to have faith. They listen. They offer hugs from far away places. I do what I know and that means waking up and playing with my dog and cat, drinking coffee, and reading something positive. I do what I know and sit down at my computer to do the tasks. Because sometimes, it’s not about feeling it, it’s just about waking up and doing one more thing to reach a goal. A lot of times it’s that. A lot of times it’s the habit that gets you through the hell.
It’s about waking up and trusting that all of the goodness you do believe about the world and the universe and a God who might be out there somewhere might be true. That, if you got through that last shitty season of life, you will not crumble in this one.
I don’t know what you are facing today or what you have lost or what you think belongs to you and it’s not yours. Well, I’m in this season and I don’t have the answers as to why or when it will all make sense. Every time I attempt to figure it out or put the puzzle together, I find myself back at the only place that does make sense— TRUST. Just TRUST.
I know that this time I have now is what I wanted. So, why is it so hard to trust?
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen to God’s voice in everything that you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Curious. Bubbly. Creative. Curating a life I don't need an escape from and inspiring you to do the same.