The following is something that I wrote over 6 months ago for the Tortilla Blog. It’s more telling, and makes me more vulnerable than most of what I post to this website. It’s not so much about flying and maybe not even so much about me, but it does lend a glimpse into my beliefs about life and purpose and struggling to find meaning. I’m more careful of what I post to ‘The Flight Attendant Life’ because I don’t write to force my personal opinions or views on readers, but have committed to honest and sincere communication. For some reason, recently, it has been on my mind to share this part of my life here.
I hope that you find something in it that can make your day better. Thanks from me for reading…
If You Really Knew Me
Life sometimes takes turns that we do not expect— surprising us, challenging us, and changing us. We plan and hope and dream, all very valuable in helping us navigate successfully through life, but often, instead of just goal setting and dream weaving, we latch onto an unhealthy control in an effort to make everything ok.
I’m not sure what everything means, and I still haven’t figured out what ok is. Maybe ok is perfect, but if I know fundamentally that perfect doesn’t exist, why do I try so hard to achieve vapor?
When will I inherently be “enough?”
As alone as I may feel in my quiet quest to figure out who I am and where I stand, these questions haunt others, and they are at the core of every persons’ existence.
As humans, we search, and yearn, and spend countless hours concocting ways for people to acknowledge us, love us, and accept us, and frankly, it’s exhausting. Our hearts our broken, our confidence dismantled, and our spirits crushed, just to start the process the next day, when we interact with another, and say in our soul, “Please just love me for me.”
Attractive and successful, Rob Lowe, with millions of adoring fans, makes a statement in his autobiography, saying, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me nearly as much.”
In an effort to avoid rejection, we take on a job description of self-creator— forming, shaping, and molding ourselves into what fits. This is a duty that was never (and will never) be our responsibility.
Last night, during a moment of quietness at work, I read the following words, contemplating the gentle reprimand being communicated towards me.
What I read was this:
“Arise and go down to the potter’s house and there I will cause you to hear My words.” Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. Then the word of the Lord came to me saying: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?” says the Lord. “Look, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so you are in My hand….” Jeremiah 18:2-6
I often argue and become angry with God, because he took me here or there or I had to experience this or that in my life. But, I thought I was a “better person” before? I thought I had my life together. Now? Well, I feel like chaos on the inside, with the facade of charisma on the outside, and a whole lot of confusion in-between.
Maybe you understand.
With this verse, He so simply and beautifully communicated that I am not the creator of my life, and what I thought was a good piece of clay, was just marred— but that He will not leave me as that!
A lot of my stress in my life comes from trying to take over the job of the potter, making me into my own creation. But I don’t own that business! That’s His realm of experience. He is creating me. He is creating you, out of the marred material, into something else. Something better. Something new. The process is done with love, care, and thoughtfulness.
He chooses to create us again. Into what He sees to be good.
I want instant gratification. I want the fix now. Well, timeframes are irrelevant. Divine Creativity does not fit into human limitations.
And the most beautiful part? He is willing to sit with my marred piece clay, for however long it takes, and says, each day, each moment, “I really, REALLY know you. And I love every part of you.”
Curious. Bubbly. Creative. Curating a life I don't need an escape from and inspiring you to do the same.